Perspective

   I haven't written in awhile as I've been sick, thankfully not life threatening, but definitely life changing.

   I started this blog for perspective on our lives and to celebrate my husband's very strange, difficult and often thankless job.

   Here I sit, knowing from all the stories I hear from J.D. of the pain and suffering he witnesses, that I should be grateful that I have all my limbs, I don't have cancer, or have to have dialysis, or any of the myriad of dreadful illnesses he sees on a regular basis. But instead, I can't help but be jealous of those who go to the hospital on a regular basis, for a headache, a stomach ache, a bout of diarrhea the night before. Those who never worry about the bill because they know the taxpayers will pick it up. And they get answers and treatment immediately. Instead I have to wait for over three months to see a specialist, no treatment in sight, hoping I get an answer before I finally give in and go to the hospital. I say to J.D, if I was on welfare, I'd be in the hospital every week, and they would have figured out my issues and set me up on treatment, just to be rid of me. He quietly agrees, that's what he sees too. This makes me feel mean and petty, but doesn't change the way I feel. I know I should be grateful for all the things its not, for all the things we've already ruled out. That I should be grateful that I'm not the type of patient J.D. sees on a daily basis, be it the seriously sick or the desperately needy. But it's hard to not feel like I'm being punished for being stoic, hardworking, rule abiding, not wanting to impose on people. However, that is who I am and so I'll continue to wait until I can get in to see the specialist.

   J.D. is working on the next level of being a medic. Currently he is an EMT, in a few months he will step up to being a Paramedic. That means he will be in charge of the whole scene. Everything will become his responsibility  from directing the firefighters to talking to the family to making medical decisions. He admits to me, that he's nervous about this next step. It means that if something goes wrong, it will be because of a decision he made. And when something goes wrong in his line of work, it could very well mean someone dies. He says he is afraid of making the wrong decision and killing someone. What do you say to this? That is a very valid concern. You are one of very few professions that have this responsibility. That how can I have an answer for you? When I make a mistake, a contract dies...What I do say, and what I do know, is that he is built for this, that his personality is such that he is one of the few capable of stepping up to this responsibility. That mistakes will happen, and people will die even when he makes the right decisions. But that he is called for this. And there will be lots of times that he makes the right decision and someone does not die because he was there. But then I remember, he is doing all of this for a similar salary to a teacher, and I think, is it even worth it?

    So maybe I haven't written in a while not because I've been sick, but rather because I've lost the power of perspective.